Eternal Legacy Review

I'm new to the whole iOS gaming community. I thought mobile devices were platform for nothing more than casual time wasters. Angry Birds, Peggle, Crush The Castle, etc. Those are the only games I've ever really seen people playing on their phones. I even own an iPod, and the few games I played were either simple puzzle games or skimmed down versions of other games. Little did I know, there were hundreds of legitimate titles to play. Eternal Legacy is a turn based RPG. This is my first "actual" iOS game I've played, and I was kinda blown away.

Graphics: 8.5/10
I'm not entirely sure what all the iPod/iPhone is capable of graphically, so I have nothing to compare this title to. The graphics aren't bad, they're a bit jagged and the textures leave much to be desired.

  This could pass for a PS2 game.

But other than those two minor issues, everything else is beautiful. The environments are huge and colorful, full of rich detail. Each environment is pretty unique, with a huge amount of visual variety between stages.

Story: 4/10

You play as Astrian, a rebel trying to damage the governmental tyranny that controls the lands. He's also searching for his lost father. 

Standard.

Gameplay: 7/10

So it's a turn based RPG. Everyone goes into one of these games knowing EXACTLY what to expect. And this game doesn't disappoint on that front. You run around, explore, interact, and fight random battles. Attack, Skill, Item, Flee. Everything you'd expect. The fighting does tend to get very bland.   While you're running around in the open world, other enemies are also floating around. If you run into them, guess what happens? You battle do the death. Normally, you can only control one character, but that got extremely boring for me, so I quickly turned on "Control All". A healer character controlled by the CPU worked too well. I just had to Attack and sit back. I didn't have to worry about dying at all. Things changed once I was able to to control my entire party. You fight, you level up, you gain stats, you learn skills. Basic RPG fare. Also, you collect these things called "fragments". These unlock new spells and allow you to summon creatures to fight for you. You can pretty much snooze your way through fights, this drags the overall solid gameplay down.

Music: 3/10

Repetitive. I eventually stopped playing with sound on altogether.

Also the voice acting blows.

Overall: 5/10

The game is really pretty, sounds horrible, and plays well enough. You wouldn't be missing anything if you didn't play it. 

 

Reviews of Games I Haven't Played Yet #1 (Halo 4)

You can find out a lot about a game by its trailer. And I like to review games, but since games cost money and I'm a broke 20 year old, I don't get to do it often. So I had a great idea, why not review a game based solely on the trailer? A bit petty, maybe, but it's the best I can do at present time. Let's start with one of the most anticipated games of next year(I think)... Halo 4!


Trailer:

The trailer begins with what looks to be some celestial insanity. Showing that, as most games in the Halo series and technically most everything does, this game will take place in space. Halo 4 probably has the same environments you're used to from the previous titles. But then the supernova starts moving. Like a spiderweb of gasses. I'm not familiar with most of the universe and I'm sure you're not either but I don't think many things in the galaxy do that.

I hear a woman's voice screaming, "Chief!" so I can assume two things, Cortana(The AI in Master Chief's helmet) and Master Chief himself are making a return. I can safely assume that because I've also seen the rest of the trailer. But I have to keep up appearances.

Now the supernova is pulsating. That's probably not good for any planets or otherwordly bodies in the vicinity. And a spaceship is flying through the supernova's ventricles. Such brave astronauts, really. It looks hot in there.

As it's quickly revealed, yes, the entire cosmic event was taking place inside Master Chief. Probably not entirely healthy but the man has been through so much that this is probably like a common cold for him. But this is where the trailer gets good. If you didn't know, at the end of Halo 3, John 117 aka Master Chief was put in hibernation until needed again. Obviously he's needed, because things start exploding around him. He's probably used to that but no one really wants to wake up that way.

Some things I noticed in the first few seconds is that Chief now has a jetpack similar to those in Halo: Reach. I don't know where he found it, seeing as he's been in hibernation since the end of Halo 3 and those weren't used in that game at all. And there's a pistol he grabs from no where that shoots, what looks like, energy blasts similar to grenades. If you've used the quick revive perk in Call of Duty: Black Ops zombie mode, it looks similar to that. Only with a space marine instead of a Russian screaming obscenities.

And we've reached the end of the trailer, with Chief and Cortana zooming towards and giant alien spaceship rectum. What I've gotten from the trailer is, there may be new(see: old) things added, a new environment(I'm thinking it'll probably take place solely on the spaceship) and new enemies(Seeing as how the Covenant were taken care of in Halo 3) but it's going to be the same Halo you always remembered. If you loved Halo and you're a huge Halo fan, you're going to love Halo 4. If you're like me and you played them casually and really only put time into Halo 3 like everyone in the world did for Halo 3, you're going to leave Halo 4 with a reasounding, "Meh."

Retro Review: Yu-Gi-Oh! Forbidden Memories (PS1)

Let me start this off by asking; Why the fuck did this game come in the typical two disc case? I always wondered that as a kid. Like maybe every copy I had of this game just happened to be missing the second disc. I was just left to wonder what kind of crazy adventures were to be had on that second non-existant disc.
At any rate, this was the first Yu-Gi-Oh! game I had actually played. It came out around the time the card game was actually being made. So I had no clue what to expect, was it the action packed duels found in the show? Was is the 6 hour 2000 Life Point battles? Nah, this game flipped the script on you.


Graphics: 4/10
The majority of this game is represented through walls of text and still images of the person you're talking to. Much like the older RPGs from back in the day. 




 

This is about as advanced as the non-duel graphics get. It's not awful or anything, but after about the 9857th pressing of the X button to advance text, it gets stale. I've never been so tired of seeing Joey (or Jono's) face as I have these last couple days playing this. The duel graphics are another thing.

This is the basic duel layout, we all know how to duel so I won't explain that. The cards don't look like the actual real life cards, but I'm okay with that. Everything you need is clearly represented right in front of you. When you attack another monster, you can press Square instead of X, and it'll go into this neat little animation. Your Blue-Eyes White Dragonfucka will battle that tiny little Kuriboh. All in lovely 3-D. This blew my mind when I was a kid.

For a 1999 PS1 game, the 3d graphics aren't that bad. Especially compared to some of the other games. (Spyhon Filter gets an honorable mention here). The battle animations usually end up being about the same, so you'll get tired of it before too long.

Story: 6/10
It somewhat follows the basic Yu-Gi-Oh! storyline, there's a few discrepancies here and there, but not enough to say that it has it's own story completely. All characters from the anime are there. Pegasus, Kaiba, Rex Raptor, so on and so forth. You start the game off in Ancient Egypt, you're some prince dude and you're really important I think. You duel with a few of the locals then some powerful wizard guys come in and wreck shit. They whoop up on your village so bad that you travel forward in time a few millenium. But, if you've seen the show you know how it goes. Millenium Items, Pegasus is a douche, Kaiba is a badass, Yugi is a fuck. Same basics.

Gameplay: 7/10
Like I said earlier, this game came out right about when the card game was being developed. So playing this is quite a bit different than the actual game you have today. The basic principles still apply. Monsters with higher attack kick ass, and monsters with little attack don't. Magic cards, trap cards, it's all here. But you can really tell they haven't figured out how they wanted the card game to work yet. For starters, you can only play one card per turn. That becomes a real nuisance if you need a rad Magic/Monster combination to help you out. It'll take you two turns instead of one. Every turn, you draw until you have five cards, this became easily exploitable against most opponents. Shitty monsters? Purposely use a few cards out of your hand for a failed fusion. You can have you best monster on the field and have a better chance of drawing the ones you want. I haven't tried this with Exodia, but I'm sure it would be killer for that as well.

There's no real sense of adventure or anything in this game,. All you do is read text, pick a location to go to, read text, duel, rinse, repeat. It's not hard to beat this game.

Music: 3/10
Alright enough music, but it repeats way too much for anyone to even care after awhile.

Overall:   5/10
The gameplay is the star player in this game. It's kind of like the '98 Bulls roster. They had MJ but who are them other dudes fucking around on the field?

 

Pawnstars: The Game: Semi-Review

I’m sure all of you have heard of Pawnstars. If not, here’s the rundown, 4 overweight Las Vegas individuals run Gold and Silver Pawn Shop. People bring unusual items to this pawn shop, for whatever reason. These items usually have some historical significance, being that it’s shown on the History Channel. This show has become so popular that there’s a game based on it. Not a real game, of course. It’s a Facebook game but for you guys, I surrendered all of my personal information to Facebook to bring you this review.

So let’s get started, when you start up the game, you get a wonderful picture of the Pawnstars crew and… what?

What are you?

That is not Chumlee. This is Chumlee.

Okay, it’s actually pretty accurate. Without further interruption, I give you The Gamer’s Shop:

As you can see, I’ve got a rare Power Rangers Power Morpher(I think) and a baseball all field pass in my inventory. My customers are a cowboy, Janice Joplin, a rabbi, and a Hell’s Angel.  The only one I’ve ever seen on the show is the cowboy. I’m pretty sure Janice Joplin is dead, also. My shopkeep is Barack Obama. We get a lot of pull for being funny on the internet. Let’s get to my first customer.

The cowboy wants to sell me a Winchester Rifle. I assume he has it from his own time period. He wants $1487 for it. I could call in an expert to analyze it to make sure it’s real but that would cost me money, which is something I’ve NEVER seen Rick pay for, so Barack Obama is definitely not paying for such a service. So I’m just going on a gut feeling and offering the cowboy $600. He said, “Fuck you.” and left. I could give him a piece of candy to entice him to stay(another mechanic I’ve never seen on the show.) but I only have one piece and I’m pretty sure he has no teeth to chew the hard exterior with. A lawsuit is the last thing my shop needs. I mean, we can only afford one piece of candy.

And we move on to Ms. Joplin. I must say, a celebrity visiting the shop is extremely flattering. Especially one of such zombified caliber as Janice. She said it was cool if I called her that, or as best she could considering she only speaks in grunts. She set a 1932-S Washington quarter on the counter and grunted that she wanted $600. I’m no expert, nor am I paying for one, but I feel like paying $600 for 25 cents is silly. I offered her $300 and she grunted a bit fiercer, so I could infer that she was not happy about my offer. I tried to offer her $300 again but again, she was not happy and she left. The candy still unused.

I have a good feeling about the rabbi. He wants to sell me portraits of Napoleon and Josephine. Now, I’ve seen the episode that features this particular item. If memory serves, the portraits are semi-real. They aren’t of Napoleon and Josephine but the artist representing himself as the two. They are of the period, just not the subjects. The rabbi wants $158 for the pair. Which seems fair, all things considered. But I’m going to offer him $90, just to be a dick.  He doesn’t seem happy. I actually want these, even in real life, because Napoleon reminds me of Resident Evil 4. Any players of that game know exactly who I’m talking about. The candy has been given to the Rabbi. He is now at a status of “Very Happy.” I offer $90. He still says no. I go up to a $100. He says no and leaves. The candy does nothing. Nothing at all.

Last up, the biker has a 1999-2000 St. Louis Rams Super Bowl Trophy.  He wants $4378 for it. I bought it because it seemed like a fair price compared to the hospital bill of a Super Bowl Trophy bludgeoning.

Overall: 5/10

I know it’s a free Facebook game but it could’ve been so much better. Some of the items do stick to the source material but it’s just so boring, honestly. You’ll just mindlessly click the slider to select a random number and offer it. If they don’t take it, don’t worry, someone will be back with the exact same item, because there is no variety in this game. I saw Rams Trophy at least 5 times. All from 1999-2000. Unless every member of the Rams is visiting my shop in rapid succession, this game is just repeating. Unless you’re a huge fan of Pawnstars or you really have a lot of time to throw away, I say pass on this one. Facebook has plenty of other games to offer.

Writer's Note: We've been slack on writing actual reviews, due to being broke and all that that fun shit. You'll get real reviews soon, when we can have actual games to play. Until then, Facebook and maybe some SNES titles will be coming your way!

Lack of Updates

Ole dude and I have been really slack about updating here lately, we're going to change that though! We've gotten around to finishing up some games and we'll definitely get some reviews up here in the coming days.

Duke Nukem Forever Review

This is a big one. Arguably(but not really) the most anticipated game of the last decade, and the stuff of legend in the gaming community. Every time this game was delayed, I lost a little faith in mankind. Others, like Slash000, who is an Olympic gold medalist in waiting, never gave up hope. Gearbox and 2K have revived this monstrous title, but does it live up to its name? Here's what I think of Duke Nukem Forever.


Graphics: 6/10
The main complaint everyone has is about the graphics. Let me say, they are not up to par with other shooters, like, Gears of War, Halo: Reach, Killzone, etc. The thing is, the way this game is being treated, you'd think it had Playstation 1 graphics. The graphics are not bad in any way. They're simply alright. Nothing substantial. You won't be seeing expressions of sadness or anger on many faces when they're talking to you. You will, however, see many pig body parts flying at you. Lots and lots of boobs too. And who doesn't love that?

Story: 7/10
"Aliens are invading. They've taken our babes. Duke Nukem has to kill them and save the world. The president is a dick." That is the entire story in a nutshell. No outstanding narrative or anything like that. But I'm giving it a high score for its simplicity. This is exactly what I expected out of this game. I didn't want to listen to massive amounts of dialogue and watch cut scenes. I wanted to mindlessly shoot alien pigs and hear Duke shout one liners.

And speaking of one liners, they are fantastic. There are so many references in this game, it's hard to count. All the way from Pulp Fiction to those G.I. Joe PSA dub videos. It's like my undersexed 15 year old self and my-undersexed-self now got together in a room and wrote Duke's script. Any game with the phrase, "When I'm done with you, I'm gonna piss in your eye." gets my approval.

Gameplay: 8/10
IN THIS GAME YOU REALLY DO PISS IN SOMETHING'S EYE! Sorry, I had to get that out there. The gameplay in Duke Nukem Forever is, simply put, fun. That's the best way to describe it. You are the baddest of all asses and you have big guns and you shoot aliens. In between that, Duke interacts with a lot of the environment. From pinball machines and air hockey to picking a piece of poop out of a toilet. Most of it granting you health bonuses. So fling that poo! Some puzzles are thrown in every now and then too. Nothing hard though. It's always pretty obvious what you have to do. Though, the loading screen does let you know that you can "cheat" by checking FAQs online.

Chapters are pretty varied as well. I mean, throughout the entire game you're shooting things 90% of the time, but location wise. One chapter that really sticks out to me, is when Duke gets shrank in his restaurant. You spend the entire level in a Toy Story style tiny adventure and it's just loads of fun. Once in you're in the kitchen, you have to save this lady(who I named Moira, because she sounds like Moira from Fallout 3. And she's batshit nuts like her too.), and traversing the room is like being on another planet. I've never heard of anyone drowning in a deep fryer, but Duke Nukem let me experience it. And it's not a good way to go.

Balls of Steel: 9/10
To say that Duke Nukem Forever deserved a special edition is an understatement. 12 years of development and all I get is a disc? Get out of here. But luckily, Gearbox rarely disappoints and Balls of Steel Edition comes with a lot of stuff. A hardcover artbook, a comic book, a deck of cards, a bust of the man himself, Duke. I won't name it all but trust me, it's awesome. Obviously, with the $100 price tag, it's for the fans that have been waiting for this game for as long as I have, and I recommend it to those of you.

Overall: 7/10
Duke Nukem Forever is not the end all, be all game. Just because something has taken 10+ years to come out, doesn't mean it's going to be a masterpiece. Don't believe me? Check out Guns N' Roses' sonic disaster Chinese Democracy. What I can say is that you'll have a blast with this game. Take the game for what it is, and not what it isn't and you'll be fine. If you haven't waited on this game for the entirety of its development, I say wait until the price drops down to $40. Other than that, if you're a Duke fan, this is the game for you. It's exactly what you expect it to be. Running and gunning and blowing everything the fuck up.

Microsoft 360 Game Cases

This may be an odd thing to review, but I felt like it needed to be done. These things are abysmal. I can't even believe that they are in production. Seriously, most times when someone keeps their game out of the case, people are like "What? That's gonna get your game fucked up, bro!" But here lately, it seems like if you're a 360 owner, the best place to keep your games are anywhere that ISN'T the original case. These things are supposed to keep your discs safe,  scratch-free and looking good. But no, for some reason, Microsoft wanted to take a big ole dump on the consumers heads and give us these shitty pieces of ass. I first noticed a problem when I got Halo: Reach. After a couple weeks or so, having played the game a bit, the inner ring of the disc started to crack. I saw a crack, and got mad, because I take care of my games. They stay in the cases and I like to keep them looking nice. But for some reason, this disc was cracked. I messed around with the game a bit and realized that the disc holder in the case was putting a lot of unnecessary tension when I was taking it in and out. I decided whatever, and just traded it in. A few months later, I get Marvel vs Capcom 3 on release day, that copy was broken because of other reasons, so I got a new copy. But now, this new case is starting to do the same thing. Sometimes when I put the game in it comes up with a Play DVD error. I've only ever let one person borrow the game, and I know he takes good care of games also. But lo and behold, the inner ring of this disc is cracking and fucking up entirely. I just bought a copy of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. It was 10 bucks and Gamestop was having a balla ass sale, so I decided why not. Well I looked at the disc, and it's got those same little cracks on the inner ring of the disc. I pulled the disc out of the case to check the disc out even more, but as I was doing it cracked even more, a tiny chunk of the clear inner ring of the disc just peeled off. I don't know why this keeps happening, I don't know why Microsoft has shitty cases. They're supposed to be environmentally friendly or whatever, but man fuck that. I don't throw away video game cases, I don't really know too many people that do. I just want a nice sturdy case that won't fuck up my disc. I've had four games so far with the cracked inner rings because of the stupid microsoft cases. It's a nuisance, and it's costing consumers more money than they need to spend.


MICROSOFT GAME CASES: -5/10
eat a dick microsoft