Sunday, May 8, 2011

Why Lord Zedd Is The Worst Conqueror Of All Time (And How I'd Do It Better)

We all know him. And if you were ever a child(I'm assuming most of you were), you feared him. He's Lord Zedd. Self proclaimed evil emperor and enemy of Earth. And all around shitty at the job. Like that one employee at McDonald's, no matter how many times you say "No cheese.", he hears, "I want a cheeseburger. I mean, with an absurd amount of cheese. If you have a brick back there, please use it to smash the cheese into the patty." Lord Zedd sees "Take over the world." as "Let 5-6 stupid teenagers ruin your day with terrible jokes." in the same way.

Reason #1 No Giant Self Destruct Buttons On Henchmen

This is the first major misstep in the world domination scheme. That's seriously all it takes to take down one of Big Z's(I hope he doesn't mind me calling him that.) goons. A kid could do that. Any kid. Which begs the question, why did they morph? They killed one prior to morphing, for fuck's sake. And I know, Tommy gets his powers taken away. Spoiler: He gets them back through some wacky set of events because Lord Zedd can't do anything.

I want you to imagine the worst fight you've ever been in. There were fists/feet flying. The enraged look on your opponent's face. The fact that he probably fucked your girlfriend, which is why you're even in this predicament. What a slut.

Now I want you to re-imagine the fight, but only this time, the person you're fighting has a giant circle in the middle of their chest, and if you hit that circle, they're going to stop. No matter what. They can swing all they want, but if you hit this one specific location, that just happens to take up about 80% of their chest, you win. End of story. This is what Lord Zedd sends to deal with the only thing stopping him from getting what he wants.

Reason #2: Making Things That Suck, Bigger, Doesn't Make Them Better

Here's the situation.The Power Rangers have laid waste to to yet another monster sent to kill them. So, instead of take their lumps, and considering their faults to maybe better themselves in the future, Zedd and Co. do what any one of us would do. They make that motherfucker giant and way more noticeable.

This may seem like a good plan the first time. Might catch them off guard. They certainly wouldn't be expecting it. But after they bring out their giant robot and double murder your monster, I think it's time to give up on that strategy. Especially after the 40th time.

What I would do is, instead of making it big, make it smaller. Microscopic. And give it wings, a way to travel easily. You've got that guy that works with Play-Doh, Zedd, you can do this. Invade their body and kill them from the inside. Anything is better than this giant B-Movie monster-a-thon you've got going. But you're far too busy for thinking outside the box. Probably out air guitaring, thinking everything is gonna just happen for you.


Reason #3: Your Main Enemy Is An Old Man That Can't Leave A Tube

I don't know if any of you reading this have ever fought an old man. But it's a pretty easy task. Especially if they have no legs, arms, or anything from the neck down, really. In the Mighy Morphin' Power Rangers movie, Zordon's tube gets broken and he's revealed to be just an old ass man spliced with a potato sack. Seriously.

There are few things Lord Zedd and I have in common, but here's a main one, we both have a torso and limbs. This is a rare time where I can say that Zedd and I both have the same ability of murdering Zordon. Zedd, moreso, because he has that big Z staff, that's just perfect for old man pummeling. Not only is this something I'd do if I was Zedd, but it's also something I could do, right now. I just need a rock and something to kill an old guy with. A pillow, the rock previously used to break Zordon's tube, an interracial couple to show him. Any of these every day items. But Z-Dawg can't get this done, while being ten feet tall and musclebound. Not to mention, his super powers. But hey, it's just an old man. It's not like he's dealing with a bunch of stupid kids.

Reason#4: You're Dealing With A Bunch Of Stupid Kids

Go to any karate class right now. Not really right now, finish reading this first. But later, if you've got the time, no pressure. And I'll bet, you won't find a bunch of 17-19 year olds sparring with 10 year olds. This means their fighting style in largely based on fighting someone far smaller than them. Pauly Z is at least 10 feet tall. Being an alien does have advantages. This means they're unprepared to deal with someone of his stature.

I'd like to reiterate, they're. Fucking. Kids. They have other things to do outside of being the Power Rangers. Destroy their social lives. Disguise yourself as a date for them to go to prom with. Then when they least expect it, bam, take their morpher and run and never look back. Or, go tell everyone their secret. How much stress do you think a teenage can take before cracking? If my days on MySpace were any indication, not much. The teenage mind is fragile and adding on the stress of the press knowing you're a goddamn superhero is probably up there on the breaking point.

So once you get down to it, the Power Rangers are insanely easy to destroy and Earth is easy to conquer. But trying the same strategy over and over again isn't the way to go about it.

Friday, May 6, 2011

How to Release The Kino Characters

How to release the Kino Der Toten characters from the new Call Of Duty: Black Ops Call Of The Dead zombies map.

1) Find the fuse, it's near the PhD Flopper on a desk or in the locker.  Get it and go back to the door and insert it on the wall on the right.
2) Nikolai should accidentally activate the MDT system and the Kino peeps should have light now. Destroy the four generators, they have four glowing red orbs on them. Use explosives.
3) Nikolai should now ask for vodka. Outside near the PhD Flopper, or on the half of the ship near the spawn, there is a bottle of "vodka" attached to a railing with ice. One of you has to knife it while the other picks it up. Like the film reels in Kino. Deliver to Vodka to them using the eartube, the thing on the left of the door.
4) Richtofen should ask you to find a "long, stiff, golden rod". The Golden Rod is behind a wall in the cave at the spawn near the beginning. Shoot the wall that looks like a pile of rubble with the upgraded Ray Gun or V-R11.

After all this the crew teleports to Paradise, and you unlock the "Ensemble Cast" achievement, or "Stand-In" if it's single player.

Sometime there's a glitch where the vodka won't show up.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Why White People Love Waka Flocka Flame

If you're not familiar with Waka Flocka, he's famous for being a rapper and, for all intents and purposes, "one hood ass nigga." See: But in the time I've known of Waka's existence, I can't help but notice a staggering number of white people enjoy him. Like, a lot. This may seem normal to anyone else. Soulja Boy had a very white folk following. This doesn't seem to be the same though. Soulja Boy's "rap" was accompanied by a dance and a catchy hook. White people got to the do the dance around their friends and laugh about how ridiculous they looked. That shit was never funny, by the way. And knowing the dance didn't make you as endearing as you like to think, teenage girl. No, Waka seems to have grabbed the white community for some other reason and I believe I have it figured out. Being of the caucasian persuasion(Waka, if you're reading this, these are rhymes. Please take notes.), I do enjoy Waka's music and listen to it quite a bit. His rhymes seem to be a mix of simplicity and ignorance that any worldly 4th grader could come up with.

"Waka Flocka Flame, one hood ass nigga. Riding real slow, bending corners, my nigga."

See what I mean? Nigga rhymes with nigga in Waka's world. This makes the song easy for white people to follow along with. Entry level rap, if you will. Easier to keep up with than the fast rhymes of say, Tech N9ne or Busta Rhymes. Busta was featured on a Linkin Park song but white people haven't cared about Linkin Park since 2002. Sorry, but that's the way it goes. We are a fickle bunch. The second reason, perhaps the biggest, why we love Waka so much is he gives the illusion of being gangsta without actually being gangsta. Watch the video to see what I mean. He's in the middle of the set from the end of Training Day with a huge group of black people. He's shaking a fence in a way that says, "Hey, man, don't fuck with me." And most of all, an abundance of people wearing red. Signifying gang activity is happening... somewhere. Not really around Waka but somewhere probably, a few miles over that way.

Have you ever heard someone say "all rap is about hoes, money, drugs and hoes again"? Waka is THAT rapper. He is the embodiment of the negative rap stereotypes. And we can't get enough of it. Because at their core, every white person wants to be "hood." Malibu's Most Wanted may as well have been a documentary. But they don't want to leave their lush lifestyles of the rich and famous to do so. So rappers like Waka let us live our fantasies of doing hood shit. Now, I'm not saying there are no white people in the ghetto, the hood, or whatever but I guarantee the white people(or anyone really) in the hood don't listen to Waka Flocka Flame. At that point, you don't need the illusion. You may as well graduate to Jay-Z. Because Hov sold drugs, so you wouldn't have to.