Sunday, May 8, 2011

Why Lord Zedd Is The Worst Conqueror Of All Time (And How I'd Do It Better)

We all know him. And if you were ever a child(I'm assuming most of you were), you feared him. He's Lord Zedd. Self proclaimed evil emperor and enemy of Earth. And all around shitty at the job. Like that one employee at McDonald's, no matter how many times you say "No cheese.", he hears, "I want a cheeseburger. I mean, with an absurd amount of cheese. If you have a brick back there, please use it to smash the cheese into the patty." Lord Zedd sees "Take over the world." as "Let 5-6 stupid teenagers ruin your day with terrible jokes." in the same way.

Reason #1 No Giant Self Destruct Buttons On Henchmen

This is the first major misstep in the world domination scheme. That's seriously all it takes to take down one of Big Z's(I hope he doesn't mind me calling him that.) goons. A kid could do that. Any kid. Which begs the question, why did they morph? They killed one prior to morphing, for fuck's sake. And I know, Tommy gets his powers taken away. Spoiler: He gets them back through some wacky set of events because Lord Zedd can't do anything.

I want you to imagine the worst fight you've ever been in. There were fists/feet flying. The enraged look on your opponent's face. The fact that he probably fucked your girlfriend, which is why you're even in this predicament. What a slut.

Now I want you to re-imagine the fight, but only this time, the person you're fighting has a giant circle in the middle of their chest, and if you hit that circle, they're going to stop. No matter what. They can swing all they want, but if you hit this one specific location, that just happens to take up about 80% of their chest, you win. End of story. This is what Lord Zedd sends to deal with the only thing stopping him from getting what he wants.

Reason #2: Making Things That Suck, Bigger, Doesn't Make Them Better

Here's the situation.The Power Rangers have laid waste to to yet another monster sent to kill them. So, instead of take their lumps, and considering their faults to maybe better themselves in the future, Zedd and Co. do what any one of us would do. They make that motherfucker giant and way more noticeable.

This may seem like a good plan the first time. Might catch them off guard. They certainly wouldn't be expecting it. But after they bring out their giant robot and double murder your monster, I think it's time to give up on that strategy. Especially after the 40th time.

What I would do is, instead of making it big, make it smaller. Microscopic. And give it wings, a way to travel easily. You've got that guy that works with Play-Doh, Zedd, you can do this. Invade their body and kill them from the inside. Anything is better than this giant B-Movie monster-a-thon you've got going. But you're far too busy for thinking outside the box. Probably out air guitaring, thinking everything is gonna just happen for you.


Reason #3: Your Main Enemy Is An Old Man That Can't Leave A Tube

I don't know if any of you reading this have ever fought an old man. But it's a pretty easy task. Especially if they have no legs, arms, or anything from the neck down, really. In the Mighy Morphin' Power Rangers movie, Zordon's tube gets broken and he's revealed to be just an old ass man spliced with a potato sack. Seriously.

There are few things Lord Zedd and I have in common, but here's a main one, we both have a torso and limbs. This is a rare time where I can say that Zedd and I both have the same ability of murdering Zordon. Zedd, moreso, because he has that big Z staff, that's just perfect for old man pummeling. Not only is this something I'd do if I was Zedd, but it's also something I could do, right now. I just need a rock and something to kill an old guy with. A pillow, the rock previously used to break Zordon's tube, an interracial couple to show him. Any of these every day items. But Z-Dawg can't get this done, while being ten feet tall and musclebound. Not to mention, his super powers. But hey, it's just an old man. It's not like he's dealing with a bunch of stupid kids.

Reason#4: You're Dealing With A Bunch Of Stupid Kids

Go to any karate class right now. Not really right now, finish reading this first. But later, if you've got the time, no pressure. And I'll bet, you won't find a bunch of 17-19 year olds sparring with 10 year olds. This means their fighting style in largely based on fighting someone far smaller than them. Pauly Z is at least 10 feet tall. Being an alien does have advantages. This means they're unprepared to deal with someone of his stature.

I'd like to reiterate, they're. Fucking. Kids. They have other things to do outside of being the Power Rangers. Destroy their social lives. Disguise yourself as a date for them to go to prom with. Then when they least expect it, bam, take their morpher and run and never look back. Or, go tell everyone their secret. How much stress do you think a teenage can take before cracking? If my days on MySpace were any indication, not much. The teenage mind is fragile and adding on the stress of the press knowing you're a goddamn superhero is probably up there on the breaking point.

So once you get down to it, the Power Rangers are insanely easy to destroy and Earth is easy to conquer. But trying the same strategy over and over again isn't the way to go about it.


  1. Yeah I agree the green ranger is the best.

  2. Wow major nostalgia over here haha. I haven't seen the show since I was like 6...

  3. Damn that brings back memories. I miss the 90's so much. Nice Dragonforce reference too.

  4. @mincecraft129 Man when I was a kid I wanted to grow up to be the green ranger.

  5. I liked the green ranger better after he became the white ranger.