Why Lord Zedd Is The Worst Conqueror Of All Time (And How I'd Do It Better)

We all know him. And if you were ever a child(I'm assuming most of you were), you feared him. He's Lord Zedd. Self proclaimed evil emperor and enemy of Earth. And all around shitty at the job. Like that one employee at McDonald's, no matter how many times you say "No cheese.", he hears, "I want a cheeseburger. I mean, with an absurd amount of cheese. If you have a brick back there, please use it to smash the cheese into the patty." Lord Zedd sees "Take over the world." as "Let 5-6 stupid teenagers ruin your day with terrible jokes." in the same way.


Reason #1 No Giant Self Destruct Buttons On Henchmen

This is the first major misstep in the world domination scheme. That's seriously all it takes to take down one of Big Z's(I hope he doesn't mind me calling him that.) goons. A kid could do that. Any kid. Which begs the question, why did they morph? They killed one prior to morphing, for fuck's sake. And I know, Tommy gets his powers taken away. Spoiler: He gets them back through some wacky set of events because Lord Zedd can't do anything.

I want you to imagine the worst fight you've ever been in. There were fists/feet flying. The enraged look on your opponent's face. The fact that he probably fucked your girlfriend, which is why you're even in this predicament. What a slut.

Now I want you to re-imagine the fight, but only this time, the person you're fighting has a giant circle in the middle of their chest, and if you hit that circle, they're going to stop. No matter what. They can swing all they want, but if you hit this one specific location, that just happens to take up about 80% of their chest, you win. End of story. This is what Lord Zedd sends to deal with the only thing stopping him from getting what he wants.

Reason #2: Making Things That Suck, Bigger, Doesn't Make Them Better


Here's the situation.The Power Rangers have laid waste to to yet another monster sent to kill them. So, instead of take their lumps, and considering their faults to maybe better themselves in the future, Zedd and Co. do what any one of us would do. They make that motherfucker giant and way more noticeable.

This may seem like a good plan the first time. Might catch them off guard. They certainly wouldn't be expecting it. But after they bring out their giant robot and double murder your monster, I think it's time to give up on that strategy. Especially after the 40th time.

What I would do is, instead of making it big, make it smaller. Microscopic. And give it wings, a way to travel easily. You've got that guy that works with Play-Doh, Zedd, you can do this. Invade their body and kill them from the inside. Anything is better than this giant B-Movie monster-a-thon you've got going. But you're far too busy for thinking outside the box. Probably out air guitaring, thinking everything is gonna just happen for you.

"THROUGH THE FIRE AND THE FLAMES WE CARRY OOOOOOONNN"

Reason #3: Your Main Enemy Is An Old Man That Can't Leave A Tube


I don't know if any of you reading this have ever fought an old man. But it's a pretty easy task. Especially if they have no legs, arms, or anything from the neck down, really. In the Mighy Morphin' Power Rangers movie, Zordon's tube gets broken and he's revealed to be just an old ass man spliced with a potato sack. Seriously.

There are few things Lord Zedd and I have in common, but here's a main one, we both have a torso and limbs. This is a rare time where I can say that Zedd and I both have the same ability of murdering Zordon. Zedd, moreso, because he has that big Z staff, that's just perfect for old man pummeling. Not only is this something I'd do if I was Zedd, but it's also something I could do, right now. I just need a rock and something to kill an old guy with. A pillow, the rock previously used to break Zordon's tube, an interracial couple to show him. Any of these every day items. But Z-Dawg can't get this done, while being ten feet tall and musclebound. Not to mention, his super powers. But hey, it's just an old man. It's not like he's dealing with a bunch of stupid kids.

Reason#4: You're Dealing With A Bunch Of Stupid Kids


Go to any karate class right now. Not really right now, finish reading this first. But later, if you've got the time, no pressure. And I'll bet, you won't find a bunch of 17-19 year olds sparring with 10 year olds. This means their fighting style in largely based on fighting someone far smaller than them. Pauly Z is at least 10 feet tall. Being an alien does have advantages. This means they're unprepared to deal with someone of his stature.

I'd like to reiterate, they're. Fucking. Kids. They have other things to do outside of being the Power Rangers. Destroy their social lives. Disguise yourself as a date for them to go to prom with. Then when they least expect it, bam, take their morpher and run and never look back. Or, go tell everyone their secret. How much stress do you think a teenage can take before cracking? If my days on MySpace were any indication, not much. The teenage mind is fragile and adding on the stress of the press knowing you're a goddamn superhero is probably up there on the breaking point.

So once you get down to it, the Power Rangers are insanely easy to destroy and Earth is easy to conquer. But trying the same strategy over and over again isn't the way to go about it.

How to Release The Kino Characters

How to release the Kino Der Toten characters from the new Call Of Duty: Black Ops Call Of The Dead zombies map.

1) Find the fuse, it's near the PhD Flopper on a desk or in the locker.  Get it and go back to the door and insert it on the wall on the right.
2) Nikolai should accidentally activate the MDT system and the Kino peeps should have light now. Destroy the four generators, they have four glowing red orbs on them. Use explosives.
3) Nikolai should now ask for vodka. Outside near the PhD Flopper, or on the half of the ship near the spawn, there is a bottle of "vodka" attached to a railing with ice. One of you has to knife it while the other picks it up. Like the film reels in Kino. Deliver to Vodka to them using the eartube, the thing on the left of the door.
4) Richtofen should ask you to find a "long, stiff, golden rod". The Golden Rod is behind a wall in the cave at the spawn near the beginning. Shoot the wall that looks like a pile of rubble with the upgraded Ray Gun or V-R11.

After all this the crew teleports to Paradise, and you unlock the "Ensemble Cast" achievement, or "Stand-In" if it's single player.

Sometime there's a glitch where the vodka won't show up.

Why White People Love Waka Flocka Flame

If you're not familiar with Waka Flocka, he's famous for being a rapper and, for all intents and purposes, "one hood ass nigga." See: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjhU6mx6tNY But in the time I've known of Waka's existence, I can't help but notice a staggering number of white people enjoy him. Like, a lot. This may seem normal to anyone else. Soulja Boy had a very white folk following. This doesn't seem to be the same though. Soulja Boy's "rap" was accompanied by a dance and a catchy hook. White people got to the do the dance around their friends and laugh about how ridiculous they looked. That shit was never funny, by the way. And knowing the dance didn't make you as endearing as you like to think, teenage girl. No, Waka seems to have grabbed the white community for some other reason and I believe I have it figured out. Being of the caucasian persuasion(Waka, if you're reading this, these are rhymes. Please take notes.), I do enjoy Waka's music and listen to it quite a bit. His rhymes seem to be a mix of simplicity and ignorance that any worldly 4th grader could come up with.

"Waka Flocka Flame, one hood ass nigga. Riding real slow, bending corners, my nigga."

See what I mean? Nigga rhymes with nigga in Waka's world. This makes the song easy for white people to follow along with. Entry level rap, if you will. Easier to keep up with than the fast rhymes of say, Tech N9ne or Busta Rhymes. Busta was featured on a Linkin Park song but white people haven't cared about Linkin Park since 2002. Sorry, but that's the way it goes. We are a fickle bunch. The second reason, perhaps the biggest, why we love Waka so much is he gives the illusion of being gangsta without actually being gangsta. Watch the video to see what I mean. He's in the middle of the set from the end of Training Day with a huge group of black people. He's shaking a fence in a way that says, "Hey, man, don't fuck with me." And most of all, an abundance of people wearing red. Signifying gang activity is happening... somewhere. Not really around Waka but somewhere probably, a few miles over that way.

Have you ever heard someone say "all rap is about hoes, money, drugs and hoes again"? Waka is THAT rapper. He is the embodiment of the negative rap stereotypes. And we can't get enough of it. Because at their core, every white person wants to be "hood." Malibu's Most Wanted may as well have been a documentary. But they don't want to leave their lush lifestyles of the rich and famous to do so. So rappers like Waka let us live our fantasies of doing hood shit. Now, I'm not saying there are no white people in the ghetto, the hood, or whatever but I guarantee the white people(or anyone really) in the hood don't listen to Waka Flocka Flame. At that point, you don't need the illusion. You may as well graduate to Jay-Z. Because Hov sold drugs, so you wouldn't have to.

Mortal Kombat (Xbox 360 and Kratos Edition) Guest review awwww snap.

As a lifelong Mortal Kombat fan, I may have some bias towards this review. But fear not, I can put away my fanboyish tendencies for 10 minutes. After many misfires, Netherrealm studios gives us a much needed return to form. Many fans, myself included, feel this was a necessary step in the franchise's life. In this resurgence of the fighting game genre, MK adds a boost to the lifeline.



Graphics: 8/10
Mortal Kombat boasts a 2D plane with 3D graphics. Every character is highly detailed. To the point of showing physical damage on the character models after a hard fought battle. No longer must we live in the days of palette swapped ninjas. The inclusion of X-Ray moves shows the detail I'm talking about. Organs, intestines, rib cages. If you've taken any anatomy class, all your old friends are going to be here whenever you hit your triggers.

Fatalities are back, after DC saved the world from them, and they are just as brutal as they ever were. If not, moreso. Skin is stretched to the breaking point. Unidentifiable organs hang from torsos. Fun for the whole family, really.

I do have a very specific complaint though. It seems to me that the graphics for the cut scenes in story mode are actually worse than the gameplay graphics. Which is weird to me, because every other game seems to have it the other way around. On the plus side, you know when you're about to fight in story mode, because the graphics are suddenly good. So you get a forewarning.

Story: 7/10
I don't really know what to say about the story. It feels like you're playing an over the top kung fu movie. For me, I loved that aspect. But if you're looking for a game with massive amounts of narrative, you're looking in the wrong place, I'm afraid. It does, however, explain a lot of character's backstories. Noob Saibot, Cyrax/Sektor, and Kabal come to mind. I'm trying to keep this spoiler free so I won't dive any further into it.

Music: 5/10
Nothing has really stood out to me, musically. MK comes with a catalog so you can order a CD of the soundtrack. I seen this before playing the game, so maybe I had high hopes. But as far as a review of it goes, I wouldn't buy the soundtrack. I think that pretty much sums it up.

Gameplay: 9/10
Now this is where MK really shines. Every element that made the first games so popular is here. And built upon. I had expected the nostalgia to wear off and leave me dissatisfied. Like pouring a fresh soda but the fizz wears off and you're left with much less of a beverage. But no, MK leaves your thirst quenched and your taste buds wanting more. To sum it up in a sentence, you've got a lot of shit to do. Story mode, classic ladder style, challenge tower, and of course, online fighting.

The return to the 2D plane adds what many MK fans have been wanting since MK4. An easy to maneuver field and easier projectile hits. The move list has many combos to learn, but the majority of what you use is most likely going to be made up on your own. If you had a favorite character from back in the day, there is a 95% chance they'll be here in all their former glory.

There's no sugar coating here, this game is straight up fighting. That's what you'll be doing. And if you're like me, you'll love doing it.

Etc(Exclusives Included): 6/10

The Krypt offers a graveyard full of creepily found extras. Concept art, alternate costumes, extra fatalities. Everything your heart desires. You'll have to earn it though. Koins earned through fighting, completing challenges and the story will get you everything. Proving again, nothing in life is free. Not even in a game you paid for. 360 exclusive is a king of the hill mode. I personally haven't played it but from what I understand, it's a lobby. I think that's a pretty terrible exclusive.

Kratos: 10/10
He's a beast and I hate every PS3 owner.

Overall: 9/10 Nearly Flawless Victory
Every hope and expectation I had for this game was met. The nostalgia I felt when I first put this game in and ran through the ladder as Scorpion made me feel 9 years old again. As an incredibly easy to pick up game, I highly recommend it to anyone who has the slightest interest in the MK franchise, the fighting game genre, or the letter K.

-Crazy T-Rav

Marvel vs. Capcom 3 - Fate Of Two Worlds (XBox 360)

Marvel vs. Capcom 3. I really have a thing for sequels that took 10+ years to come out, huh? Fans have long awaited the sequel to what many consider one of the best fighting games of all time. Marvel vs. Capcom 2 was a hit, even 10 years later in this resurgence of fighting games. Arcades are a dying commodity, but the fighting game genre lives on. And man, am I glad for that. I grew up on the classics. Street Fighter I & II, Art Of Fighting, even the Double Dragon fighting game.

Graphics 9/10
I really like what they've done with the character models this time around. The sleek, glossy look every character model shares is a nice touch. For once, all the characters look like they belong in the same game. No more 1994 Morrigan Sprite.

The stages on this game are freakin' insane. The developers really put a lot, and I mean A LOT, of attention into detail. From the Daily Bugle's parade, to the Bifrost, the rainbow bridge in the background of Asgard. So much fan service went into this game it's great.

The moves, hyper moves, combos, etcetc all flow together so perfectly. The light shows of a heated battle never ceases to amaze me. A lot of time went into making this game and it shows.



Gameplay 8/10
I'll admit, when Capcom announced the control scheme was going to lean more towards Tatsunoko vs Capcom, I was a bit frustrated. Every Marvel vs. Capcom game since the first has "dumbed down" the control scheme a little more. There was the typical 6-button layout in Marvel vs. Capcom 1. Then they dropped it down to a 4-button scheme, and now 3-button [exluding the S button]. While each control scheme works for each game, I kinda wished it would've remained the same. I would've been completely alright with either the 4-button or 6-button button layouts. I prefer the 6. This game is still pretty tight on the controls front, though. Instead of having to figure out which button and direction is a characters launcher, everyone has the same button for it. S. I miss the old layouts, sure. But this one works just as well.

The computer seems to be completely random in what it wants to do. Trying to breeze through Arcade mode on Very Easy will sometimes surprise you with a 96-hit combo out of nowhere. Other than that, I have no complaints.

Story x/x
I hate to do it again but I really know nothing about the story. It's just their for filler, really. Galactus wants to eat planets, the Big Bads want to be bad. You get it.


Music 9/10
Most all of the music is flawless. The remixes of characters older music is great. The new themes fit the characters extremely well. I swear Dante's theme is directly out of one of the DMC games. They're great. I just downloaded the entire soundtrack for this game the other day, and I can NOT stop listening.

Extras 7/10
I really wish the endings would have been more than photo stills with text overlays. I feel they could've done so much better given the ending quality of SSFIV. Anime cutscenes with voice acting, you know. Instead we're treated to a simple picture and a few words. Even still, they're great. Each characters ending has tons of shout outs and crossovers. There's all kinds of titles, and icons to unlock. Call of Duty.style. Image galleries, music galleries, character bios. Enough to keep someone busy for hours.

Overall 8.25/10

After 11 long years, hundreds of misheard rumors, and hundreds of dollars in quarters spent in arcades, Capcom has really given their fans something to rejoice over. This game is solid. A must have for any fighting game fan.

Super Smash Bros Brawl (Wii)

Super Smash Bros. Brawl, where do I even begin? Well, let me start by saying I've never played Melee. Not once. I've barely even seen videos of it. So the last dose of Super Smash Bros. was way back on the N64. So you could say I've been kinda deprived. I'd read about Brawl, I'd watch the videos, I got so excited. Then it finally gets released, after delays among delays. I saw it in Wal-Mart and shit myself. "Dudde, Brawl. Look at it.." I'd touch the glass. "It's sexy." But lo, I had no Wii. So I went about my day, stole what I went to steal, and left. Fast forward almost two years later, and what do I get for Christmas? A mofucking Wii. So of course, Brawl is on the first to get list. And let me just say, I will never regret getting this game. Ever.

Graphics: 8/10
Now, I'm no expert on the quality of graphics in Wii games, as I've only played a few. But amongst the few I've seen, this game is pretty standout. The detail in the character models is exquisite. The stages are fucking amazing as well. I'll never get tired of playing on Hanenbow,  [from Electroplankton] it's simply gorgeous. The detail in some of the attacks and final smashes are pretty ripe, too. Use Ganondorf's Final Smash, press pause and enjoy. 

Gameplay: 7/10
So, like I said. I haven't played Smash Bros. since way back on N64. So I didn't really know what to expect. I somewhat expected Smash Bros., redefined, even more perfect that it already was. [Does that even make sense?]  I expected more moves, refined blocking and rolling, better looking throws, more characters, more stages, more of everything that made me love the first one. Well.. I was right, technically. I got everything I expected. But what I didn't expect is what I didn't like. Physics are insanely different, like to an extent that's almost ridiculous. Pikachu was my main in the original, he was ridiculous fast and powerful. A few good combos and a thunder attack used to equal a KO. Now it's nothing. From what I can tell, most of the other characters were ridiculously nerfed or ridiculously buffed. Can't really say for sure though, other than the original characters. The most glaringly obvious flaw in the gameplay however, I found out within the first five minutes of playing. I'm using Ike, playing against Fox on Final Destination. I double tap forward so as to run, and all of a sudden. Ike trips. W. T. F. This only becomes increasingly annoying the more you play. I don't understand who, how, why, or when anyone EVER would ever possibly think. "Ya know what, let's make the characters trip at complete fucking random. That'd would make this game supremely awesome." "FUCK YEAR YOU NEED A RAISE" Only it's all said in Moonspeak, because it's Nintendo. It's the worst. The AI is suprisingly cheap as well. My Lucario versus the CPU's Kirby. I grab a Dragoon part, one normal attack and I lose it. They pick it up. SIX FUCKING SMASH ATTACKS IN A ROW, and this bitch still holds onto it. It's whatever, only makes it harder, therefore more challenging, in the long run. The different modes are also pretty fun. Stage Building, Home Run challenge, All Star Mode, Boss Battle Mode. Online play could be a lot better, servers would've been nice instead of P2P. Button lag is pretty horrible and I'm on Verizon FiOs. Everything else is  pretty top notch. Everything else is pretty much spot on. It's still a Smash game and it's still amazing. Nuff said.


Story: x/x
I played through Subspace Emissary and didn't sit through any of the cutscenes. So nothing to say here.
My bad.


Music: 10/10
In all honesty, the soundtrack is flawless here. With shit tons of music to unlock, it never gets old. I particularly like being able to pick which track I want to play on the stages I create. Even though I almost always pick a Pokemon one. :3


Extras: 10/10
Unlockable characters, stages, trophies, videos, virtual console trials, music, stickers. There's so much content in this game it is ridiculous. I refuse to stop playing this game until I unlock absolutely everything I can. Even then I probably will keep on keeping on.




 
Overall: 8.75/10
I highly recommend this game to fans of Nintendo, Smash Brothers, The Wii.. hell, video games in general. If you like video games then go get this game. That is all.

Girl Gamers -- Why most of them suck.

Now, before you get all feminist lesbian on me, let me just say. I don't think females playing video games is a bad thing, nor do I think it's a good thing. It's just.. a thing.. I guess. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that more and more people are getting into video games, back in the day they weren't as big as they are now. With the advancements in technology that we've made, it's made gaming so much more enjoyable, and presentable.

But anyway, back to my point. Females and video games. Cool. What I do have a problem with, is the females who do play video games and brag about it. You know the girls, we've all played them on Xbox Live or PSN. The whores who are all "YEAH IM A GIRL I PLAY VIDEO GAMES SO WHAT". Cool story, bro. It's annoying. I don't understand why the gamer girls can't just play video games and that's it. I'd much rather play a game on xbox live and NOT have to listen to "IM A GIRL I PLAY VIDEO GAMES LOL" once every four matches.

You've seen the gamertags.

IMAGIRL
GAMERGIRL
ITSAGIRL

Those are all real gamertags. There's more, but I'm downloading something right now and don't feel like searching around. But you get the idea. What if every guy's gamertag announced to everyone that he has a penis.

IMAGUY
GAMERGUY
ITSAGUY

See the problem here?

I've played matches where a girl will flirt with someone else the ENTIRE FUCKING TIME. Take that shit to eHarmony. Guys aren't innocent here either. If dudes didn't ogle over these femmes every game then they wouldn't exist. HEY YOU SOUND CUTE LOL. stfu.

If you're female and play video games, fucking awesome. Just please for the love of God don't go around saying "I PLAY GAMES LOL" Or something to that extent.

My girlfriend plays video games, she's even beaten me at Soul Calibur and Street Fighter. But guess what, she doesn't go around saying it to the world. Take a lesson femmes. Be proud of who you are and what you do, but please keep it under control?